I remember when I became pregnant with my son I was overjoyed, but panicked. My anxiety was off-the-charts terrible. I know some women who have told me that they had wonderful pregnancies in that they felt this joy - but most of my joy was eclipsed by sheer panic. I was terrified that I would not be able to carry my baby to term - not because of anything the doctor said. - but because of my panic. Having a baby was my dream come true and it was terrifying.
Once my son was born, the panic became worse. Within two weeks I had lost my mind - I am not exaggerating at all. I am thankful that I live in a time and a place where I did not experience any shame or stigma from having a post-partum mood disorder. In fact, I was wondering why they hadn’t locked me up. But I was treated and supported and worked my way through it.
As a mom, though, the panic of having your heart, your life, and your world with someone else never goes away. I try really hard not to let my mind go down that rabbit hole. And, I pray. I didn’t know this mantra / dhikr / zikr / remembrance at the time - but had I known, I am sure I would have been repeating it non-stop. And had I know about essential oils at the time, I would have diffused Myrrh (Commiphora myrrha) to help support me.